back to the future.

life is changing. everything moves so fast. i feel like i can barely keep up with it all. the days go by so fast i feel like i dont ever have time to enjoy things.

but my heart feels good again. the lord has mended me, made me whole again. i have reasons to dance!

i am anxious for the future. i am anxious about this summer, because i am not sure what i want to do yet. i am anxious for next semester to possibly be living in mexico for four months. how amazing.

i am anxious to start over. this adventure will be amazing. i cant wait.

i am unsure of what is to come but i know it will be good. because the lord promise that the plans he has for me are for good. i trust in him. let go and let god.

pray. all the time. for everything and everyone. it is when i open my heart to the lord about things is when i feel him most.

Isaac

because i long to be a true and pure lover of the lord and because i love joe. i will lay this isaac down. i have to. it is killing me to have a hold of it. i just cant seem to completely let it go. i am desperately hanging on to what i can in fear. fear of the unknown. but whatever it is it will be beautiful.

the lord knows the desires of my heart. if i delight in him he will give me the desires of my heart. if i lay this isaac down the lord will bless me. he will bless that i hear him telling me to give up what is most important to me.

the lord has really blessed me with amazing friends who are so good to me. who are there to let me cry to them about the same things over and over. they give me hope and they remind me that i am loved. they pray for me and find the words to say when no one else does. he is the giver of all things that are good.

the lord promises that he heals the brokenhearted. he never promised it would be instantly.

i feel that the lord is calling me in this time to totally submit to him. to boldly go where deanne johnson has never gone before. to be so close and intimate with the lord that nothing can seperate us.
i feel god calling me to him. i feel the lord telling me to trust him. i dont want to be like jonah and hear god but run in the opposite direction. i doubt a whales belly is a comfortable place to be.

the love that the lord gives to me will never end. it lifts me up. the excitment and newness of the relationship never wears out. it is renewed everyday.

it hurts when the person you love the most and trust the most turns his back on you. abandons you for something/someone else. i feel betrayed, lied to, and most of all heartbroken. jesus knows how i feel. his best friend peter denyed 3 times. but jesus forgave him and then went on to make him the rock of the church. the lord knows how i feel even though i feel like no one else does.

it is time. because i love him so much. that i will make this sacrifice. i pray for him all the time. i pray for this. i pray for us.

things are hard and confusing but i will try to rest in the peace that only the Father can give. that is where true happiness is found.

captured

the lord had captured my heart. i prayed that a breakthrough would come and it has. THANK YOU JESUS! my heart cannot stop singing for the lord my heart cannot stop seeking more, i cannot stop praying.all the pain in my heart is starting to disappear. my heart is full of joy peace and love. i will keep my eyes fixed on the moutains. that is where my help comes from. i pray that my mourning turns into dancing. amen. god is good ALL of the time.

hope

hope it is all that i have. it is so hard for me to believe that i even have hope. i have never been in such a sad, lonely place and yet i still have hope in my heart. i know that there are things we should have done differently. but now we know, i know. i know that i have hope for whatever the future holds.
what we have is so special, you cant deny that, but you tell me it just cant be like that right now. and i have to understand that. i do understand that. i just dont want it to be like this forever.
now i spend my time in prayer and in the word finding hope and feeling loved and that connection that my heart has been crying out for to be close to the lord. my soul is being watered, and yet my heart still hurts.
over the past couple of months i have really let a lot of crap come into my heart, and i know that now. i pray for all that crap to be torn down to be thrown far away. that crap is gone and a new creation is beginning to form. i am starting to see the light at the end of this incredibly dark lonley tunnel.