heartache

joe told me yesterday that he doesnt want to be with me anymore

he doesnt want me to be his girlfriend

he doesnt want me to be his wife.

but we will still be best friends

i just love him so much and i never wanted to loose him. i never wanted him to not be in my life. i have just imagined my life being with him. i can see us growing old together and having children together. i can see that and that is what i want.

but it isnt what he wants. i dont know what he wants. but it is not me.

my heart is in so much pain. i am sick. my heart is sick. i am making myself physically sick.
i just keep praying for peace. peace that only i can find by resting in the fathers love. i would do anything to change what happened. but there is nothing i can do. i have never felt so horrible in all of my life. i think about all the fun things that we have done in our relationship and all the stuff we planned on doing together.

peace is what i need this christmas. even if joe doesnt love me, god looks at me with favor. i will find peace in that.

I am OK

Finals week is not my favorite time of year but lots of stuff has been happening lately

#1 on tuesday i gave the message at the "noise" worship service. it was a christmas theme and i talk about some of the gifts god gives us. it was really awesome. i had a blast. i just love talking about jesus and how he is the gift from god and through jesus we get to have life. alleluia!

#2 i had to talk joe to the emergency room today. it wasnt fun. i was really scared. i call him around 5 asking him if he wanted to have dinner with me and he replyed "can you take me to the emergency room first" and right away i was just in what i would call a "mom" mode. i went to his room found directions to the hospitol, ( there are like hundreds in des moines) and put on his shoes and coat and off we went. i was so calm, i was just praying for peace in both of us. joe just had a really bad tension headache and the doctor gave him a couple shots and some other medication and he has been sleeping ever since. hopefully he will be good as new.

#3 finals week = craziness. but yet at the same time i feel at peace. it has just been on my heart lately just to study with confidence. i really feel in my heart to do the best i can but i dont need scores on a test to tell me that i am smart. i have the approval of my heavenly father and yet i know i am blessed to have an education. when i grumble about homework, papers, and final exams. i just remember how blessed i am to be a broke college

i am surviving the last couple of days of school and then i will return hom, i like being at home because there i feel like i am a daughter and a sister and soon to be a wife. it is a good feeling. home is good.

god is good all the time. i am looked at with love.

Tuesday

I was asked to give the message at the campus celebration worship this tuesday.

i pray that god will speak through me.

i am nervous and scared.

i am not really sure what talk about.

whatever i do, i will go in confidence.