Oh Come Let Us Adore Him

This Christmas I feel as though I have a new understanding for Mary. Mary was a young single gal and found out she was having a baby. I have heard from a variety of sources growing up in the church that they think that Mary was about 14 when she was "with Child". At 14 I know I was more concerned with my social circle and getting my learners permit and was not thinking about starting a family. When the angel told Mary that she was going to have a child, she was in total disbelief. I'm sure Mary was feeling a lot of the "why me's".

Joe and I are having a baby in May. I like Mary was in total shock and disbelief when I saw the little plus sign on the pregnancy test. I had a million things rush through my head, and I am going to get real right now. I did not feel instant joy, I felt more like I found out I was terminally ill. I just kept thinking my life is over. I better have fun now because in nine months I won't be able to have fun anymore.

Then after a lot of prayer and thinking the Lord opened my eyes to a whole new outlook. I am going to miss somethings about being without child, but now I am looking forward to all of the adventures the three of us are going to have! Trips to see family, days at the beach, playing in the backyard crafts and games and songs and bedtime stories. Our lives are going to change, but that is OK. Change is good.

I always said that the one thing that I felt called to do is be a mom. I just thought that I would have more control in the situation. I would say when and where but that isn't how things work. Sometimes the Lord knows our hearts better than we do ourselves. I think this is one of those moments where the desire of my heart was a lot bigger than I thought. I am so thankful that God is Faithful and hears our cries!

So sister Mary, I totally understand where you were, girl. I have felt all the emotions possible but now I am just in total anticipation. I cannot wait to meet this Baby, and fall in love with the gift God has given Joe and I. Just as I anticipate the arrival of Baby Vaughan I also anticipate the arrival of Baby Jesus. Oh, Come Let us Adore Him.

Twinship

Having a twin is an amazing blessing and as I have grown up a little I have became more aware of how amazing it is to have a twin, especially a twin like mine.

People often ask "how do you like being a twin", which when come to think of it is a crazy question. I know nothing else. I love being a twin because it is what I know. I read a book recently about twins, it was called "One and the Same" it discussed twins relationships or "twinships" as they are called in the book and how everyone tries to be an individual. As I was reading this book I felt as if someone had written my life into a book. I found it somewhat comforting and erie that someone else knows what it is like to have a twinship like I have.

I love Dana for so many reason but having a twin also has it's downfalls. It is very difficult for me to make friends outside of my twinship. I am constantly comparing my twinship with Dana to other friendships in my life. I have rarely ever had to experience anything on my own. There have been a few things that I have experienced solo such as being married, but that list is very small.

Earlier this year I was experiencing panic attacks for the first time in my life. I couldn't put my finger on what was making these panic attacks happen when finally it dawned on me. Separation Anxiety. I have never lived this far away from my twin for this long. Dana did spend a semester in Wales, but we actually talked more while she was abroad then probably any other time. Our twinship seemed closer than ever and we were miles apart.

I know that I am so blessed to know that I have someone who will love me no matter what. No matter what I do or where I go or what decisions I make along the way. I know that she will always be there, to hold my hand, to cry with me and to laugh with me, and to just let me be me. No questions asked, nothing in return. That is the beauty of our twinship.

New Stuff

a lot has been changing in my little world as of lately.

i was working at Macy's in downtown minneapolis.

i really liked it a lot.

i was then offered a job at wells fargo in downtown minneapolis as a teller.

the money is good, the benefits are really good. so are the hours.

it is a pretty good gig.

but i feel so alone.

when i am there i feel like no one cares about me as a person. no one asked about me, and i feel like i am just nosey when i ask people about their lives outside of work.

i guess i just long to feel connected to people.

i spend on average 3 min with each customer at wells fargo.

i try to make them count. i genuinely like to know how people's days are going.

i really want to know if they had a good weekend.

i know that people are genuienly good, and all people really want is to feel special.

if i can do that, that is more important to than any savings account i could offer.

but today at work, on my second day. i made a rookie mistake.

i cried.

i cried because i was overwhelmed, i cried because i was frustrated. i cried because i just needed to.

the worst part is i know one of my managers saw me cry. know i am just afraid that i will always be the girl who cried. "be careful around deanne, she might cry" is what i feel like he will tell others. but honestly the more i think about it. i dont care. just because i work for "the man", doesn't mean i have to give up my emotions or that fact that i am a real human being with feelings.

so that has been my life as of recently.

i just need to remember that i am more than my job.

it is not who i am.

it is what i do.

there is so much more to me.

commitment

i have been thinking a lot about commitment lately.

i have been thinking about how committed i am to lots of things but i don't feel very committed to myself.

what i mean by that is i have always been one to carry out my word. if i say im going to do something i do it. at my past jobs i never missed a day of work. i always turned in homework assignments in completed and on time because that was expected of me. i have been committed to my husband for almost 5 years.

but i haven't been very committed to the desires of my heart and to my self. i dont take care of myself like i should. i know longer partake in the activities that i once enjoyed such as painting and dancing. i have just let life get in the way of my true authentic self. i know that with some dedication i can re-commit myself to myself. with baby steps i know i can reclaim the desires of my heart. that is my hope for this spring.

i pray as the world is growing and starting anew, that i will too.

Bloom

Since Joe and I have moved to Minneapolis we have been attending a church called All God's Children Metropolitan Community Church. It is an amazing spirit filled place and I have fallen in love with.

Each Sunday we have communion, which is a reminded to me of the sacrifice that was made for me to remember that when Jesus was on the cross I was on His mind. After the communion server gives you communion they say a blessing for you. On Sunday, Joe and I were able to take communion together, which doesn't happen very often since Joe is usually playing music, but Dan our communion server said a blessing for Joe and I and he said "may you bloom with the radiance of all the flowers on the earth." I thought those were such powerful words.

I do want to bloom with the radiance of all the flowers on the earth. I feel that I have been in a time of growth and learning and now I feel as though I am ready and prepared to bloom. To move on to the next thing, but always remembering who I am and to whom I belong.

Fearless

I have come to realize that I have been letting fear dictate my life.

I am scared about not getting a job and not being successful.

I am terrified to let the ones I love down.

I am scared that everything I have worked for has been for nothing.

I am scared that I am not living up to my full potential.

I am been so scared about starting new parts of my life that I have been in a really awful spot. In an in-between spot. I don't like in-between parts. I also feel as I have been going through this job search that I am not good enough. I have so many friends from school who are really making for themselves. I just don't feel like I will ever have that same sort of success.

I have been praying for God to release this fear in my heart. I don't want to miss out on what God has in store for me because I am too afraid to step out of the boat.

I need to cast my cares, worries and anxieties on Him because he cares for me. He wants me to succeed! I know that there are good things in store for me. I need to prepare my heart and spirit so I can accept these changes.

I trust in the Lord with all of my heart. I will not rely on the things I THINK I know.

I know I may not have a very impressive resume, but I do know that I am loved, adored and chosen by the creator of the universe. That is what I am. A job will just be what I do.

I am something special. I will not live in fear, but I will live with a dancing spirit, knowing who and whose I am.

your momma

So here is my rant for the day...

I have some free time and during my free time I do enjoy facebooking.

While on facebook i can't help but get dishearted about the sort of language

people use.

Now lets be real right now. I am no angel. I sometimes use bad language.

But this is a new kind of "bad language" to be.

People freely using the words "gay" or "retarded" as an adjective.

Like "that is so gay" or "thats so retarted"

come on now people lets think before we speak.

It is especially frustrating to me when the people are using these phrases

are college educated people, setting an example.

your momma taught you better than that.