come what may

i think there is something wrong with me. 

i am not worried/stressed/scared to graduate.

im very content. i just feel like it is the next chapter in my life.

i think a lot of that goes with the fact that i have had a lot of changes in my life.

changes in schools, relationships, friendships, jobs, you name it, anything in my life and it was probably totally different a year ago. so its just another change, and come what may.

but because i am not worried about those things, makes me feel like there is something wrong.

im not worried about finding the job. i just want a job that brings me joy and i can do something that i know makes a difference for someone. that might be in PR it might be in teaching, or working in a coffee shop, it just might be a total surprise. i am ready for that challenge.

but, i am stressing about the people in my life. 

and as much as i pride myself in being an independent woman, i do care a lot about what people think. but i cant help but wonder, how do i feel about myself.

in the past year i have gained some weight, my wardrobe is a flop and my hair is the equivalent to a nasty old mop. so why do i expect people to respect me and take me seriously when i don't respect myself or take myself seriously for that matter. i do feel like i am not good enough and i let others make me feel that way. i may not have a 4.0 and i might not have all the brilliant ideas, but i know a have a lot of good stuff, sometimes it is just hard to see.  

t i have so much love in my heart, and sometimes i feel so full of joy that my heart dances. and somedays i dont. i just wish i had those joyful days everyday. i wish i wouldnt let others steal my joy. the joy of the Lord is my strength and it is mine to have, and much like my daily multi-vitamin i need to remember to take it.